Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
Anthony wouldn't know good sex if it sat on his face
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
She's been divorced three times and use to raise cock fighters. Of course I'm interested in her
Well, he sent me "techno kitty adventure" about 10 minutes ago. So, he could be anywhere.
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
Randomize
