Luol and I just scored with two 40 year old married chicks. They dropped us off on the way to soccer prctic. The kids in the back were confused. Call me.
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
She's in it for that fear factor ya'll. Obsession and stalking or nothing.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
