I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
Fuck I think I want to but I don't think I should. Caught between should and wanting.
just follow your vagina
Quote of the day.
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
So...I'm pretty sure I have officially determined that reverse cowgirl is the only position possible to have sex in my smart four two
Randomize
