I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
Yeah he's still asleep. I washed the blender out. He tried to make a ham-shake. Lets wait until after break to have that talk. I kind of want to see where this goes.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
You're right, I'd say my real all time low was when I let that fifteen-year-old feel my boob.
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
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