She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
My last google search was 'bulk asian wives' I don't know either
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
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