I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
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