At least we don't have one night stands
True that. We sink our claws in our men.
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Randomize
