I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
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