I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
