he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
Heed the warning of the ghost of Oktoberfest present: German beer is soooooooo much better than our watered down children's piss. also lost all my clothes and am wearing lederhosen the rest of the trip.
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
Randomize
