i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
i wonder if she has dreads down there too...
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
the orgasm was like being thrown to the other end of reality, so getting a nosebleed from it wasnt too upsetting at that point
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
Randomize
