Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
Randomize
