My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
Well I'm glad to hear the fight wasnt over his small dick.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
Randomize
