I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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