i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
there's a photo set of like seven dicks covered in glitter....i don't know what to do
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
Randomize
