I have a love/hate relationship when men come within a 10 minute time frame.
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
Man now I have poo on my blackberry!!!
brownberry?
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
Randomize
