i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
Randomize
