I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Randomize
