And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
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