You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
Randomize
