woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
But i guess when you use blowjob as a verb you are entitled to some language allowances
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
false alarm, still single
Randomize
