meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
Randomize
