In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
Ultimate Fighter Idea. You and I both have unprotected sex with the same girl in the spam of days. Whoever the child belongs to, wins and that child is the ultimate ultimate fighter.
How high are you?
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
