what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
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