She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Randomize
