This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
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