I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
