Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
Randomize
