I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
What I wanna know is who took a picture eiffel towering her?
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
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