well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
Success! We fucked roommates!
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