ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
when a girl feels in her heart, the way she feels in her vagina, anything is possible.
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
No, dude...I agree it's great in theory but I promise you that 80 drunk 21 year old sorority girls together in one room for formal is one of the worst drama filled ideas ever. Ever.
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
Randomize
