the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
Randomize
