I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
