Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
Randomize
