so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
Randomize
