Need sex. Gaining weight.
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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