I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
i just remember doing it on a pile of clothes while i heard the muffled sound of his friend laughing. then i realized we were in a closet.
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
Well my sources tell me she just happens to appear in an episode girls gone wild.
I know someone that will spend hours looking for her. He also has many of said movies. And I will do it for free!
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
Randomize
