Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
And PS thanks for calling it my "sexual liberation" and not "slut fest 2010: part deux!"
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
Randomize
