tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
Yeudjkisdjxbfceryuj. i love having a qwerty keyboard just so i can do that.
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
Do you remember whose house we're in?
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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