I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Randomize
