what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
my host sister just stared at me as i knocked over the lamp, then took out all my chocolate, walked into the bathroom, and locked the door. i'm officially the worst exchange student ever.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
Randomize
