After last night I still want u
But please keep that on the DL
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
I expect to be treated like a lady. Even If your sticking it in my ass.
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
Randomize
