Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
Some dude with an OSU jersey just kissed him in the face in front of everyone. I should mention he's wearing a Panda costume. And has already been offered $20 for his suit by Plushies for oral sex.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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