So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
I think I should advise against you hooking up with a guy that throws "the shocker" up in all of his pictures on facebook. Just sayin.
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
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