Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
Fair enough. Everyone has some guilty pleasures. Yours is yourself
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
Randomize
