He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
Michael Bay diarrhea
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
