1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
Randomize
