I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Randomize
