when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
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