well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
Randomize
