a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
There is a distinct lack of front teeth here.
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
I cant believe im wasting my plan b experience on this guy. I should have saved it for someone special.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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